P.S. I can't hear my feet
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
