i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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