I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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