I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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