I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize