Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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