your room smells of hookers.
And success
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
