I checked into jail on foursquare
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You took a bar mat shot.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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