I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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