i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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