You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
