I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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