I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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