I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
