I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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