Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
