the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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