Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
