My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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