his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
