Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
