Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
