Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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