I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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