You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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