I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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