so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
