Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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