I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
