What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
