Tell her she can't have a vagina
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
