So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
