This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
