I like to think it a success when the cops are called
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
