You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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