I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
