I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
