do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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