Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
