Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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