Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
