my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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