I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
