I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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