You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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