That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
