i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
