god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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