i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
