I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
A bitchslap is in order.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
