so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
