I cut my penus on the lid.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
