turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
