I looked at my own cervix.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
