I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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