my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
