she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
