they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
