you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
